Wandering Eater

Laap, perhaps the signature Laos dish, combines usually either ground water buffalo or fish with a blend of chilis, ginger and herbs. The freshness of the mountain herbs give it an almost minty taste—its an earthy dish which reflects the mountain agriculture climate of Northern Laos. Usually mixed with sticky rice, it’s usually a good dish, but not often great.

Imagine then, that the best laap I had came not with buffalo or fish, or even chicken or pork but wild mushrooms. If only my veggie girlfriend had been there to enjoy! I ate this dish my last night in Laos in the sleepy capital city Vientiane, which I highly recommend to anyone looking for a calmer side of Asia. I was lucky to stay with an incredibly gracious host who had lived in Laos for three years and knew all the best restaurants. Below is my plate, full of both beef and mushroom laap (mushroom on the left.)

What made the mushroom laap standout for me was the high quality of the mushrooms as well as the way the subtler mushrooms brought out the flavor of the fresh herbs and chilis. What resulted was a flavor explosion of bitter and sour tastes, with a hint of sweetness from the mushrooms. Pair with some sticky rice and you have a truly great dish.

Time to catch up on some countries I’ve neglected in preparation for my ultimate food review power rankings. We’ll start with what is widely considered to be an eater’s worst nightmare. As someone who spent a fair amount of time in Australia, whose native cuisine is influenced by the Mother Country more so than the U.S., I am well aware of the flavorless muck and poorly seasoned meat that fair-skinned English speakers wolf down without so much of a complaint. I was hopeful that London’s status as Global City would lead to better than expected results, as I took my first visit to jolly ol’ England.

I am happy to report that decent meals are easy to come by in London, although it probably helps to do some research and have some places picked out beforehand. There are far too many random pubs named after random monarchs or dukes that almost certainly serve up mediocre bangers and mash or fish-n-chips. With some forward thinking on the part of my lovely Indian assistants, we were able to locate some solid establishments including a South Indian “curry house” a Thai restaurant and an English “gastropub.”

Of course you’ll note that two of the three cuisines I pointed out were not British at all. Indeed it’s the influx of immigrants that props up London’s food. Nowhere was this more evident than when I went out for fish and chips at the Golden Hind. The restaurant was bustling and served me an absolutely scrumptious serving of fish, chips and mushy peas as shown.

When I went to pay however, I noted the history of the establishment’s ownership, a list of the proprietors and their ethnicities. The Golden Hind, it turns out, has been run by Italians and Greeks for its entire existence. Should England get credit for this delicious food? We know the Sicilians and Spartans know how to cook.

I hail from a country of immigrants, whose cuisine has been bolstered by the variety of ethnic options available, particularly in large cities. Taking something like Neapolitan pizza and expanding on it to turn it into the greatest food of all time could not have happened without immigrants influencing and being influenced by new customers and different ingredients. But English food does not appear to have hit that sort of evolutionary stage, other than samosas being offered at convenience stores. And while the ethnic food is good, its simply not going to compare to the dishes offered in the native country. Trust me, the Thai food is better in Thailand. So while London gets credit for variety, I know where I’d rather get Pad Thai.

In the end I decided to award London an extra stomach for its variety, while subtracting since fact you certainly can’t get the same thing in Nottingham.

The Good: I’m a fan of meat pies, although I think they are an acquired taste. I had a delicious game-stuffed pie at the aforementioned gastropub which was the best thing I ate in England. As I said earlier, the ethnic food in London, if you find the right restaurant is very good.

Yum

The Meh: English breakfast. Like much of England’s food, it does the job, but I can’t get behind the inclusion of baked beans as part of the breakfast oeuvre. Also their pastries (sweets) are generally subpar, as evidenced by the preference of scones. I mean I’ll eat a scone don’t get me wrong, but who doesn’t prefer a moist pastry? Or french bread instead of toast?

English beer also falls in the meh category. It’s not the warmth that bothers me so much as the general boring nature of the lot. Most beers I had tasted pretty flat and there were no interesting flavors or tastes I came across. The best beer I had was a whiskey-infused beer…brewed by a Norwegian, served to me by an American at a pub that specializes in Belgian brews. Again, note the global influences.

The Bad: The Sunday roast special, which was one of the most disappointing meals I’ve eaten in all of my travels. I think in my head I was expecting something like the Prime Rib from the Wynn buffet or even my Mom’s delicious pot roast. Instead I got two tiny, tiny slices of beef with some plain gravy and of course, the classic side of boiled veggies. It’s meals like these England that give you a bad name, particularly when you pimp them out as something special.

The Good/Bad/Ugly: I covered these pretty much and there isn’t a lot more to say. I was only in London for four nights so I don’t have quite the breadth to choose from. Still I feel confident making a summary judgment on the merits of the entire country’s cuisine.

2.5 stomachs out of 5.

The most striking aspect of traveling in Cambodia is the complete lack of law and order. Corruption infects every part of society of course, but really it’s beyond corrupt. Corruption implies the veneer of legal authority or accepted standards. When we accuse a President, or a Mayor, or a police officer of being corrupt, we imply that there are political, legal and economic norms in place that makes the corrupt behavior an aberration, or a symptom of some other some personal moral failing like greed. But the impression I got from those who live in Cambodia is that there is no norm, or even ideal of a how a society is supposed to function. Paying people off or scamming is the only way of earning money. If a police station isn’t fully funded, what else is to be done other than to collect monthly “police fees” from guesthouses and restaurants?

While the corruption and fear of scams are nuisances for travelers, the failure to provide basic services is a much greater tragedy for the Cambodian people. Most obvious when walking down the streets is the inability to organize any sort of trash collection. Piles of garbage lay strewn on every street corner, waterway, alley and many tourist sites. Garbage reigns supreme at Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital which in another world could have easily outpaced Bangkok in the race to become the modern hub of Southeast Asia. With French influenced architecture, excellent cuisine, a potentially gorgeous riverwalk, and superior proximity to Angkor and the beach, the pieces are all there for Phnom Penh to be a regional jewel. That’s of course if the city can ever manage to deal with it’s biggest cosmetic problem.

Wait you thought I was talking about the garbage? Well yea that’s bad, but perhaps even more grating is the oversupply of tuk-tuk and motorbike drivers crowding every sidewalk and constantly hounding you for your services. I found this most grating in Phnom Penh (although after a week plus in Cambodia, maybe I had just hit my threshold of polite “no thank you”s) but the problem may be more pronounced in Siem Reap. And Siem Reap is a location where tuk-tuks are a vital, economically reasonable method to touring Angkor Wat and surrounding temples.

But even so, there is too much supply. The average tuk-tuk driver in Siem Reap maybe pulls one or two tours a week, maybe pulling in 40$ of revenue per week or 160$ a month. Mind you the average monthly salary outside of Phnom Penh or Siem Reap is 30$ a month for a farmer so even on 160 a month you’re looking pretty good in Cambodia. But then you consider that

1. Gas prices in Cambodia are the same as everywhere else, but represent a much larger percent of cost.
2. A new Tuk-Tuk, motorcycle combination will set you back a few thousand dollars. Almost no Cambodians have that kind of liquid cash laying around. This means they have to borrow capital to get started.
3. The banking system of Cambodia is not set up to give out these kinds of microloans to individuals. Instead, there’s a shadow lending system that’s semi-criminal, where sharks charge 20-30 percent interest.

All of a sudden, getting an extra ride per week becomes a life or death proposition. It’s no wonder tuk-tuk drivers are constantly looking for a fare, working on commission with hostels and worse, acting as conduits for drug and prostitution rings. It’s a situation that cries our for an organized, official licensing body to limit supply and weed out the shady elements. But that isn’t even close to happening.

Both these annoyances pale in comparison to the horror that is child labor in Cambodia. Again, economics and a lack of social safety net explain the system. Remember the 30$ per month salary? Primary education for a child in Cambodia is not free, running 7$ a month. If you have three kids, here are your choices. Spend two thirds of your salary on sending your kids to school, or have your kid help put some extra food on the table by selling water at Angkor, hawking books or begging.

It’s not a fair choice for a family to make and of course, the children are simply given no choice at all. Hey I know life isn’t always fair and many Americans made or have made similarly tough choices in the past and present. My grandfather quit school in junior high because he could make more money farming. That wasn’t too long ago.

I come from a country where a sizeable portion of people constantly whine about how terrible government services are, or about how annoying it is to have to pay taxes. And yes government run programs have issues, and yes paying taxes sucks.

But you know what happens when you have a vacuum of central authority? People rip each other off. People are forced to sell their kids into child prostitution rings to pay back loans. Bad things. Evil things. This is why we organized into governments in the first place. To protect us from each other.

Here’s hoping Cambodia can make it’s way through and realize it’s considerable potential. Meanwhile I’ll feel a little less annoyed next time I calculate the percentage of money that’s going to the government. If I ever get another job of course.

- Chinese Tourists have taken over from American tourists as the world’s most annoying breed. They are louder, they have no manners, they’re cheap and they complain constantly. Plus all the men are constantly making weird noises with their mouth, picking their noises and spitting on the floor. And they don’t even speak English!

- I’m pleased to report I have now urinated on neutral soil. While watching two guys tie up a pig and load it in a wheelbarrow.

- It’s really fucking annoying that bus companies and border guards add on three dollar “stamp fees” or “visa processing fees,” at random border outposts in corrupt countries. But almost as annoying are the travelers who’ve read on WikiTravel that they don’t have to pay these fees if they haggle at the counter for 20 minutes. Seriously it’s a fucking dollar. And other people have connections to make while you prove you’re Marco Polo.

- I’m glad I took the bus to get an opportunity to see rural Cambodia and the Mekong. Beautiful green fields with sporadic rain forest remnants. All sorts of interesting stuff being ridden on or towed, or being solid in random villages.

The Mekong. Imagine it in Wet Season

- What am I talking about I’m still 12 hours away at least from my destination and have been on the bus for 13. This was stupid.

I loved my time in the Philippines. The weather’s great. The people exude warmth and a contagious joy for living. The scenery, once you get out of Manila can compare, with any ocean/beach climate in the world, including California, Greece or Australia. I will definitely go back, both to the places I went (Palawan, Coron) and those I didn’t (The Visayas, Boracay, Northern Luzon.)

But the food sucks.

Because I loved my time their so much, I can make some excuses for this hideous flaw. Island nations generally aren’t known for their ability to grow produce or support animal husbandry. Salt water and volcanoes, for you Civ 4 players. The swampy climate produces some high-quality fruit like bananas, papayas and mangoes but if the fruit is out of season, it can get quite expensive. And then there’s the pesky problem of island transport. Anything that’s imported needs to go through one of the main two islands (Luzon or Cebu) then boat or plane to outlying islands. And that’s before you deal with the less then pristine condition of Filipino roads. And the fact that temperature hovers at a solid 88 degrees every day…in the cold season. No wonder I got sick!

The Good: Fresh seafood of course, although to be honest I expected better. As a New Englander, I expect any ocean area to be able to produce multiple high quality fish, shellfish and crustaceans. The Philippines hits this standard, but barely. The extremely warm and salty water apparently excludes some of the tastiest dishes, but you can still get great grouper, tuna, clams, oysters and the infamous spicy crab (which even if it destroyed my gut was pretty damn delicious.) There’s little diversity in terms of preparation—start a charcoal fire, throw your whole fish on the fire and wait until complete.

Your average Philippine Fish Fry

Accompaniments were rice (Filipinos eat more rice than anyone else other than maybe Indians,) and dipping sauces. These were either soy-based with ginger or lime juice based with perhaps some cilantro. Peppers were added as needed—and I recommend adding some spice unless you’re a pussy. When particularly fresh and well prepared, the results are solid, but it’s still fish and rice. And no fish exuded the fresh taste I associate with a fresh catch, although that could just be the types we were eating.

The pinnacle of cuisine in the Philippines, however is the booze . Alcohol consumption is controlled by the monopoly San Miguel which distributes all the beer and most of the liquor. San Miguel isn’t bad, but it’s Red Horse that melts the heart of alcoholics everywhere. You can buy a liter that’s right a liter bottle of Red Horse for 64 pesos (about a 1.50$). Did I mention it’s 6.9 percent? And tastes better than 90 percent of U.S. Factory lagers? One of those bad boys and you’re done. And if hard alcohol’s your thing, simply pick up a 750 ml bottle of Tanduay Rum, which will put you back a solid 85 pesos (2.00$). Plus all this cheap booze makes the food taste better.

The Meh: The other Filipino staples, Barbecue, Luchon and Sipsic. I tried every kind of barbecue I could: ribs, chicken, fish, beef, pork, intestine you name it. Meat quality generally was low, and there’s nothing I had that I didn’t think to myself “I can make much better on my Weber, thank you very much.” I did go to one good restaurant that made a quality sipsic, (rice and fried meat with eggs and various spices) but I expected more.

The luchon (pig on a spit) I had was similar to your average pork roast, but not quite as tasty. I did not seek it out, so it’s possible I’m missing out and that luchon is actually amazing, but again, I’ll take an Indiana corn roast pig over what I had in two seconds.

The Bad: The street food was really disappointing. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of people trying, but compare to Bangkok where you need four stomachs to get your fill of the quality. Again, it comes down to ingredient quality, getting fresh meat and produce and being able to diversify. Or maybe they just aren’t as good cooks.

The Best: Probably these oysters which were thrown on the grill until opening and dipped in a lemon sauce. Tasty as hell.

The Worst: Whatever made me sick. Or the fast food I found myself eating a little too often. There are all sorts of KFC ripoffs as well as ubiquitous mall food courts that ripoff your local suburban outlet. Or the bbq intestine. Lots of choices.

The Weirdest: Fish eggs. I guess one of our fish was preggers and I tried the eggs. Not too bad, but probably not something I’d be on the lookout for. Did I mention I got sick?

Anyways that concludes my review of the food of the Philippines. Look for the country to appear in my Country Food Power Rankings in the near future!

Edit In honor of The Smoking Section I realize I need to rate these countries on a one to five system. Thus I give the Philippines

Two stomachs.